HEALTH & WELLNESS RELATIONSHIPS & SEX

69 reasons why beer is better than a Feminazi girlfriend

I’m pretty sure Ricky Beastley said it best: Beer is always, ALWAYS, gonna be there for you.

When it comes right on down to it, a Feminazi girlfriend is problematic. Beer, however, is not. There is no ambiguity when it comes to beer— it exists for one purpose solely, and that purpose is to make you happy.

I’ve had both a Feminazi girlfriend and beer, and I think it’s safe to say that beer is better. In fact, it’s so great that it’s not even 2 p.m. and I’m having a glass right now! Beer is always there for you, which leads me to my first point:

1. Beer will never let you down.

Aside from a potential hangover one might deal with after demolishing an entire case of Corona, beer is as dependable as they come. It’s always, ALWAYS, there for you. I’m pretty sure .

Ricky Beastley said it best when he sang:

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Come to think of it, what evidence can you show me proving that song WASN’T recorded with a few bottles of fruity dark, or perhaps crisp Belgian White?

2. Beer is good for your health.

Feminazi girlfriends, generally, are not. Don’t get me wrong here— loneliness sucks and all, however there’s a reason the world’s oldest man was basically relationship-less his entire life. Unlike a Feminazi girlfriend, beer lowers your stress levels, is good for your face and sleep cycle, and is basically a total egg in your beer in addition to making you feel warm and fuzzy.

Feminazi girlfriends do the opposite of all that, except maybe that last one.

3. Beer will never bore you.

Not only will it never get old, the sheer variety available for consumption is enough to make your head spin (ha ha). Red beer, white beer, boxed beer, juice boxed beer— the choices are infinite, ensuring versatility of use and intrigue forever.

4. Beer isn’t afraid of commitment.

One of the worst parts of having a Feminazi girlfriend is knowing these gals aren’t on the same page (sometimes not even on the same book) and they’re spending a HUGE bunch of time trying to “work on it” or “figuring it out” or whatever.

It’s exhausting, it’s stupid, and trying to get someone to commit to you is lame AF anyway. The Feminazi girlfriends should be BEGGING to commit to you, I mean look at you! You’re great! I know it, and beer knows it too.

5. Beer won’t be offended if you switch to a new beer.

Sometimes a guy changes his mind halfway through the bottle. THAT’S OK! Beer understands, it’ll just sit there patiently waiting for you to return, if you ever decide to do so.

I don’t think a gal would ever do the same, although if she did that’s a problem in itself. See? Feminazi girlfriends are problematic no matter what.

6. There’s a beer for everyone.

Some people die single, but nobody dies without having a favorite beer. That’s a statistic, I think, right? Related: I could become a parent without beer, but I really don’t want to.

7. Beer literally exists to only make you happy.

As I mentioned, that is beer’s sole purpose. Also a statistic, I believe…

8. You’ll never have to wonder where beer is, or who beer is talking to.

No suspicious texts coming in late at night, no weird girls commenting on beer’s Instagram. You know beer is yours and only yours. You know this because it’s just sitting there atop your fridge, waiting patiently like a true friend and loyal partner.

9. With beer, what you see is what you get.

No surprises. No hangups over ex-boyfriends, no baggage or hidden insecurity or inferiority or superiority complexes. It is what it is, and that’s all it is, and what it is is … wait, what was I saying?

Hold my beer, will yah!

This is a parody of a Feminazi whine.